In recent years I’ve found myself sharing with friends some of the things I learned during my years of care giving. It’s a funny thing in that what seems obvious to me now, once a upon a time wasn’t even on my radar. I’m reminded of this every time someone is surprised by what I share. But of course, isn’t it always so?
Ten Things I Had to Learn (and now share)
- Sitting and waiting by yourself to hear how your loved one’s surgery, especially, if it’s longer than 3 hours, went, is not a good idea. Ask a friend or relative, someone who will support you (and not add stress to a stressful situation) to sit with you, to go buy you both tea or to bring you a muffin. It will give you someone to hug when the news is good and someone to hug you if it’s not.
- Older family members, such as an aging parent, also need similar support. Sitting or trying to stay busy on your own when a grown child is undergoing a serious operation is a bad idea. As a grown child, it is a good idea to check in with Nana and/or Pops to make sure they have someone to hang out with. *Also, be sure to give them a call once the surgery is completed and you have news. In all the post-operative excitement, I have seen people forget to call. Less stress all round is the better way.
- Whenever you need to go with someone to the emergency department, pack a bag and pack some healthy snacks (including water). Few things scream ‘EAT ME!’ louder than a candy bar machine when I’m sitting for hours in an uncomfortable plastic chair, missing dinner (lunch and/or breakfast), and pretending not to be watching for a doctor to pull back the privacy curtain and walk into the cubicle. A warm sweater and a washable fleece blanket are nice additions to your take along bag and can provide comfort in cold hospital temperatures.
- Create an emergency plan. This is especially important if there are young children or pets that cannot be left alone overnight or for extended periods of time. No one wants to set up an emergency plan. However, knowing you have one in your back pocket (just in case) will reduce your stress level magnificently.
- Create a physical file, a folder, a binder (whatever is your preference) to hold copies of all important documents. These include Power of Attorneys, Doctors contact information, a list of all medications and dosages, notes taken at doctor’s appointments, and if required a filled out Do not Resuscitate form. Flipping through your cell phone looking for something you are sure you took a picture of is a nightmare.
- Let others help in whatever way they want to that works for you. Let them walk your dog, mow your lawn, trim your hedges, pick up groceries, gift you a meal, cook a meal in your home, move furniture to re-organize an awkward bedroom set-up. You get the picture. Work with others because if you haven’t already, you will get the chance to repay their generosity or pay it forward.
- It’s okay NOT to answer calls, texts, or emails until you are ready. Everyone else can wait and if they love you, will be glad to do so, knowing we all sometimes need a little time to digest what is going on before sharing. Please do not give into the cultural habit of feeling you must reply to every enquiry instantly. Creating a private chat or WhatsApp group can also be helpful in keeping others updated.
- Learn that when you are dancing on the head of a pin and juggling more than you thought was possible, it is likely you will fall or drop that flaming torch. It’s okay. Accept that you are human, take the pause you need. When you are ready gather everything up again and start once more. It’s a marathon and not a sprint. You are doing your best.
- Tell yourself over and over again that you are in this for the long game. I learned that I could better gage what was happening when I measured the current situation against what was happening a week or a month or two months ago. Measuring progress while in the midst of maneuvering one’s way through a serious illness against what was the old norm, is not helpful and can be counter-productive and demotivating. Focus on what you can do and not on what you can’t. Living through a major illness, a serious health condition or a terminal illness is its own chapter of your life.
- Old rules no longer apply. It’s better to create new ones as you go along. It’s okay to let go of people and things (like Tuesday night Wing night) that don’t serve your revamped next chapter. This is your life and you get to choose how you want to spend the days you have left and with whom. Hopefully, you will have many. It’s a good day to be here.
Live deeply,
Heike
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Photo credit: Heike Mertins- A Moment’s Pause 2025